Perseverance is key, kiddies; Also Bubba's a dickpickle.

So, going through old journals and looking at old blogs that I honestly had thought would be gone by now, I've found a lot of things that I wrote mostly around the end of 2009, and throughout the first half of 2010. A lot of ranting, (I found one aptly titled "Stupid Fuckers") and a lot of random things I would write about whilst bored. But something else I noticed, were quite a few posts and what not, about overcoming things, and I realized that either my bipolar is, or was rather, REALLLY out of wack, or I am by far the most persistent and persevering person that I personally know. Or maybe back then it was just the mask I used to hide the not so pleasant things that were going on in my head. Because really, to see the difference between the journal entries in that time frame, and the blog posts, it is pretty dramatic. Blogs were ultimately optimistic and though I talked about some of the bad, I stayed upbeat through out, being the little brave fighter I had to be or else I'd get locked the fuck up. But in my journal, I was porcelain being tossed around carelessly over pavement. I was a mess. But hey, two failed suicide attempts, what can a person expect to be like through that? But at the same time, I think, yeah I am a very persistent person. I think I pretty much MUST be, to still be alive today. But I digress. However, I do think there's a lot of truth in my belief that as soon as I get in a good place in my life, where I am optimistic and looking forward to the future as opposed to miserably dreading it, something bad happens to pretty much put me in my place, like fate doesn't like me. HUGE example of this:

2009 is finally almost over, ending what is safely the worst year of my life, so far. Each month of this year has held some sort of heart break or another, and I'm glad it's finally almost over. Having had been thrown out of my house (not for very long obviously, but like good things, it's the thought that counts), thus began the new year of 2009. And things only got worse, with each month. March brought with it, a state of pure misery that could no longer be ignored as I grew tired of feeling like a burden to everyone at home. Feeling like things would be better if I were just gone, but in that failed attempt, I like to think it made me stronger. Not physically, obviously, but where it counts. July was probably the second worst month of the year (first being December;) it brought more pain to me than anything else in my life, both mentally and physically. After an incident of mine, and having to hear what is most likely the most horrible things any father could ever think to say to his daughter, I grew up a lot in that month alone. Life went on much the same, miserably, and terribly, but it did continue atleast. Everytime I'd allow myself to become happy, more bad things would happen. But, life went on. A couple failed attempts, a minor concussion and few bruised ribs, and broken heart hasn't stopped me yet. The year's been filled with hate and pain, lying and cheating. And to top all that off, I lost many of my friends who meant the world to me, out of my own selfishness, and I realize what mistakes I made this year, and I'm finally getting all of that back on track, atleast I hope so. Now of course more bad things happened than good this year, but good things also happened. Like getting to see a few of my favorite bands in concert earlier this year, actually getting out and having a life for once, and surviving all of the bad things. All in all, I still have my life, and sanity (yes, I'm still sane, remarkable huh?) and my family, and a few of my friends. Without my friends I probably wouldn't have made it... But anyway, I like to think of the new year as a chance for starting over, for second chances, and better things altogether, whether that's true or not is yet to be determined, but here's hoping that 2010 will be better than '09, because frankly, if it's worse than this year or even as bad as this year, I will lost it.I'm sick of letting people walk all over me. And allowing myself to hit rock bottom just because they're dumbasses. I'm done with drama, and I'm welcoming the new year rather more optimistically than I usually do. Okay I'm done being a cheesey dork now, Happy New Year's Everyone, hope you have a good one.

The thing that is pretty ironic about that is that it was written late in the evening of New Years Eve, just hours before my sister's (now) husband pretty much gave me just another reason to not trust people. I ranted about how badly 2009 in a whole, sucked. And it did, it was not a fun year for me, my family fell apart, and my depression was literally running my life. But on New Years Eve, I was extremely optimistic, I was happy, and I had a good feeling about 2010. A good feeling that turned out to be completely false. All of the hope in that post, so much hope, and within one minute, my brother-in-law took it all away. Yeah, it was just a kiss (and groping) but... small things matter to me. Good or bad. And that was very, VERY bad in my eyes. Because, this was a guy who actually lived in my home for a while and had been like a brother to me, but also someone who I had lost a huge amount of respect for at a certain point because I have nothing for a man who walks out on his 5 months pregnant girlfriend, especially when that girlfriend is my sister who I am extremely close to and protective of. BUT! He came back. After my nephew was born, he came back, and he was kind and supportive to my sister, and he was an amazing daddy. I respected him, because he finally grew balls and manned up enough to BE a daddy, which is all I wanted because I knew my nephew needed a dad, and at that point he was a great one. 
   My respect for the guy lasted throughout MOST of 2009, they moved into their own place so I started seeing them less and less, and I experienced a first dose of his controlling my sister when I asked her to come over because I was depressed and he wouldn't let her. But I didn't think anything of it. And then, New Years Eve. They came over. I thought he was acting weird. We watched a movie, we ate pizza and drank lots of alcohol, and as the night wore on, he kept dishing out these little subtle compliments about how I looked and all. Midnight came and went, it was then 2010. My sister passed out. So it was just me and him. 
   Now I had recently gotten a cellphone, my first and last, but either way, I was texting a friend, and he was watching tv. Totally innocent. But then he kept staring at me and finally asked if I wanted to walk outside with him to smoke. It wasn't out of the ordinary, so I didn't think anything of it, and besides that, I don't know if it was WHO I was texting or what, but having my phone with me, I felt safe either way. The phone did not keep him from grabbing me, and manhandling me and kissing me. I was not young, but it was my first actual kiss that I remember well. It is not something that I remember fondly and I'd be very thankful if that would be something that I would completely forget. But that isn't going to happen.
   I wasn't even going to tell my sister or parents or anyone. Something similar but worse had happened before, and I was perfectly fine with never mentioning that... But I don't know, maybe it was just that I had trusted him so much, and hadn't expected it at all, and plus just knowing that he was the father of my nephew who I loved more than anything, and to know that my nephew had such a sleaze for a father; whatever it was, it literally made me sick, to the point where people could tell just by looking at me that something was desperately bothering me. There was no hiding it. The first day I passed it off as a hangover which worked, because, well it was expected. Then two days passed, and three, and four, finally five, and I couldn't do it anymore. So I told. My sister kicked him out, but a baby doesn't understand why his dad isn't around and my sister's too much of a softy, (think it's genetics) so she let him come back. He wasn't allowed around here at home for months though. Especially after he had the balls or lack thereof, to tell people that I was the one who kissed him. But whatever, right. I sometimes wonder if it's totally not meant for me to ever be legitimately happy. Because like I said... every time I seem to be getting happy, something as stupid as that happens, and it goes all topsy turvy. 
   Not that I'm going to let it stop me or bring me down, I'm in a good place right now. Cynical Savy is just waiting on something bad to happen, but ... till then, I'm great. Now fate will drop a house on my head.