So, going through old journals and looking at old blogs that I honestly had thought would be gone by now, I've found a lot of things that I wrote mostly around the end of 2009, and throughout the first half of 2010. A lot of ranting, (I found one aptly titled "Stupid Fuckers") and a lot of random things I would write about whilst bored. But something else I noticed, were quite a few posts and what not, about overcoming things, and I realized that either my bipolar is, or was rather, REALLLY out of wack, or I am by far the most persistent and persevering person that I personally know. Or maybe back then it was just the mask I used to hide the not so pleasant things that were going on in my head. Because really, to see the difference between the journal entries in that time frame, and the blog posts, it is pretty dramatic. Blogs were ultimately optimistic and though I talked about some of the bad, I stayed upbeat through out, being the little brave fighter I had to be or else I'd get locked the fuck up. But in my journal, I was porcelain being tossed around carelessly over pavement. I was a mess. But hey, two failed suicide attempts, what can a person expect to be like through that? But at the same time, I think, yeah I am a very persistent person. I think I pretty much MUST be, to still be alive today. But I digress. However, I do think there's a lot of truth in my belief that as soon as I get in a good place in my life, where I am optimistic and looking forward to the future as opposed to miserably dreading it, something bad happens to pretty much put me in my place, like fate doesn't like me. HUGE example of this:
2009 is finally almost over, ending what is safely the worst year of my life, so far. Each month of this year has held some sort of heart break or another, and I'm glad it's finally almost over. Having had been thrown out of my house (not for very long obviously, but like good things, it's the thought that counts), thus began the new year of 2009. And things only got worse, with each month. March brought with it, a state of pure misery that could no longer be ignored as I grew tired of feeling like a burden to everyone at home. Feeling like things would be better if I were just gone, but in that failed attempt, I like to think it made me stronger. Not physically, obviously, but where it counts. July was probably the second worst month of the year (first being December;) it brought more pain to me than anything else in my life, both mentally and physically. After an incident of mine, and having to hear what is most likely the most horrible things any father could ever think to say to his daughter, I grew up a lot in that month alone. Life went on much the same, miserably, and terribly, but it did continue atleast. Everytime I'd allow myself to become happy, more bad things would happen. But, life went on. A couple failed attempts, a minor concussion and few bruised ribs, and broken heart hasn't stopped me yet. The year's been filled with hate and pain, lying and cheating. And to top all that off, I lost many of my friends who meant the world to me, out of my own selfishness, and I realize what mistakes I made this year, and I'm finally getting all of that back on track, atleast I hope so. Now of course more bad things happened than good this year, but good things also happened. Like getting to see a few of my favorite bands in concert earlier this year, actually getting out and having a life for once, and surviving all of the bad things. All in all, I still have my life, and sanity (yes, I'm still sane, remarkable huh?) and my family, and a few of my friends. Without my friends I probably wouldn't have made it... But anyway, I like to think of the new year as a chance for starting over, for second chances, and better things altogether, whether that's true or not is yet to be determined, but here's hoping that 2010 will be better than '09, because frankly, if it's worse than this year or even as bad as this year, I will lost it.I'm sick of letting people walk all over me. And allowing myself to hit rock bottom just because they're dumbasses. I'm done with drama, and I'm welcoming the new year rather more optimistically than I usually do. Okay I'm done being a cheesey dork now, Happy New Year's Everyone, hope you have a good one.
The thing that is pretty ironic about that is that it was written late in the evening of New Years Eve, just hours before my sister's (now) husband pretty much gave me just another reason to not trust people. I ranted about how badly 2009 in a whole, sucked. And it did, it was not a fun year for me, my family fell apart, and my depression was literally running my life. But on New Years Eve, I was extremely optimistic, I was happy, and I had a good feeling about 2010. A good feeling that turned out to be completely false. All of the hope in that post, so much hope, and within one minute, my brother-in-law took it all away. Yeah, it was just a kiss (and groping) but... small things matter to me. Good or bad. And that was very, VERY bad in my eyes. Because, this was a guy who actually lived in my home for a while and had been like a brother to me, but also someone who I had lost a huge amount of respect for at a certain point because I have nothing for a man who walks out on his 5 months pregnant girlfriend, especially when that girlfriend is my sister who I am extremely close to and protective of. BUT! He came back. After my nephew was born, he came back, and he was kind and supportive to my sister, and he was an amazing daddy. I respected him, because he finally grew balls and manned up enough to BE a daddy, which is all I wanted because I knew my nephew needed a dad, and at that point he was a great one.
My respect for the guy lasted throughout MOST of 2009, they moved into their own place so I started seeing them less and less, and I experienced a first dose of his controlling my sister when I asked her to come over because I was depressed and he wouldn't let her. But I didn't think anything of it. And then, New Years Eve. They came over. I thought he was acting weird. We watched a movie, we ate pizza and drank lots of alcohol, and as the night wore on, he kept dishing out these little subtle compliments about how I looked and all. Midnight came and went, it was then 2010. My sister passed out. So it was just me and him.
Now I had recently gotten a cellphone, my first and last, but either way, I was texting a friend, and he was watching tv. Totally innocent. But then he kept staring at me and finally asked if I wanted to walk outside with him to smoke. It wasn't out of the ordinary, so I didn't think anything of it, and besides that, I don't know if it was WHO I was texting or what, but having my phone with me, I felt safe either way. The phone did not keep him from grabbing me, and manhandling me and kissing me. I was not young, but it was my first actual kiss that I remember well. It is not something that I remember fondly and I'd be very thankful if that would be something that I would completely forget. But that isn't going to happen.
I wasn't even going to tell my sister or parents or anyone. Something similar but worse had happened before, and I was perfectly fine with never mentioning that... But I don't know, maybe it was just that I had trusted him so much, and hadn't expected it at all, and plus just knowing that he was the father of my nephew who I loved more than anything, and to know that my nephew had such a sleaze for a father; whatever it was, it literally made me sick, to the point where people could tell just by looking at me that something was desperately bothering me. There was no hiding it. The first day I passed it off as a hangover which worked, because, well it was expected. Then two days passed, and three, and four, finally five, and I couldn't do it anymore. So I told. My sister kicked him out, but a baby doesn't understand why his dad isn't around and my sister's too much of a softy, (think it's genetics) so she let him come back. He wasn't allowed around here at home for months though. Especially after he had the balls or lack thereof, to tell people that I was the one who kissed him. But whatever, right. I sometimes wonder if it's totally not meant for me to ever be legitimately happy. Because like I said... every time I seem to be getting happy, something as stupid as that happens, and it goes all topsy turvy.
Not that I'm going to let it stop me or bring me down, I'm in a good place right now. Cynical Savy is just waiting on something bad to happen, but ... till then, I'm great. Now fate will drop a house on my head.
.January 16th 2010.
Well, January is half way over. It's going by slowly, whereas every month in 2009 flew by. But I mean, though it seems like it should be February already, (to me), it also feels like just yesterday that I was getting ready to celebrate the New Year. Dressing up, and just being totally excited and anxious for 2009 to end. Or maybe I just really wanted December to be over with. It was by far the most dramatic month I've ever experienced, and that doesn't even explain the half of it. "Dramatic"= total understatement. It was by far the most stressful four weeks of my life, for many different reasons. And I was really happy New Year's Eve, that maybe all of the bad shit in my life would leave with the year. That just maybe 2010 would be a year I'll be able to look back on, a year from now, as one of the best years of my life and nothing in comparison to the year before it. I rang in the new year, happily. Sure I was drunk off my ass, but dammit I was HAPPY (and not because of said drunkeness.) I was happy because I was actually thinking positively, and looking toward the new year with total optimism, kinda like how a baby enters the world. They don't see anything bad. They're unaware of all things, and because of that, they're happy. Unconditionally so. But naturally, as is the story of my life, nothing is as it seems. Anyone that talks to me, and who I confide in, knows what happened later that night, and some of you may not see it as a big deal, but it's the principal of what happened, that hurt the most, and made it into something far larger than what it really was. The fact that I was being so optimistic, and feeling positive that the new year would be a great one, and while still in that frame of mind, to have what happened, happen, unexpectedly, from someone I trusted, and even respected to a certain extent, when he knew how much it'd hurt the woman he supposedly loves. The mother of his child. The one person I am closest to in the world. But he didn't think about that. My point is, I hate feeling good about something, then having it blow up in your face. o_O I was excited for this year, because 2009 was fucking shitty, and I thought that maybe, juuuust maybe, 2010 would be better, and bring new and better things. But nothing ever goes as one hopes. Buuuut, on a still positive note, what ever may happen this year, happens, and I'm going to keep telling myself that this year, no matter what, is still going to be better than last year, because really, how bad can life get? V_V The weathers finally getting warmer, the snows melting, and things are looking up... So in the end, maybe this year can still be good, sure it wont be the same with certain people....But people come into your life just to leave, and who needs assheads in their lives anyway?
April 29th 2010
I got a paper in the mail, from the HRC, asking for support on LGBT rights, and has like a list of facts and bullshit. Bullshit because it isn't right, that these facts are true, and nobody gets it. Needless to say, I was slightly pissed by the time I was finished reading the letter. -.- It mentions that more and more states are trying to pass the law to make it illegal for lesbian and gay couples to adopt children. Even though there are over half a million children in foster care around the US alone, who need loving, caring families. Since when is it impossible for same sex couples to show love to children? There are children in conventional families who are totally abused and neglected, while there are same sex couples who are caring enough, but not allowed to take them in. And the biggest part of what pissed me off was when I read where it said that one of the groups that were trying to prevent the passing of the law, was the Christian Coalition. CHRISTIAN. The religion that is based on the Bible that lists judgement as one of it's greatest sins. After reading that, it didn't help very much when my mother asked what the mail was about, and I told her. She replied "That isn't right, you shouldn't support something, it's not right in god's eyes." I threw back at her "'god' isn't so great, if he can't accept LOVE, despite the gender." And it's true, if god cares for the creatures he created, HE wouldn't judge them based on who they love. And neither would Christians. Love is love, past the genders, everyone deserves to be able to love who they want to. There are people who are homosexual, bisexual, transexual, etc., that lose jobs, or can't get jobs because of their orientation. They're not allowed to show affection in public without getting harrassed. There are HATE crimes committed by people who believe it's wrong to hate. Isn't that a tadddd bit fucked up? It angers me, seeing how hypocritical christians really are, and all religions, honestly.
July 8th 2010.
This time last year, I was having major issues, with.. Myself, and my family, and just my life in general. I was at a weak point, and though I had somebody who should have made me completely happy, I was very weak, and stupid. I felt trapped in life, and did not know how to cope with that feeling, and the resentment I had toward everyone including myself, overflowed and the self hatred I had was too much to handle. I made what was the biggest mistake of my life so far, and though I do regret it, with ever fiber of my being, I am also just as thankful for doing it, because it really opened my eyes and just over a year later, I'm stronger for it. I'm so not saying that people should go out and do dumb shit just to have their eyes opened to their numerous faults, and learn how to deal with it from there. Life is hard, and filled with times of sorrow, but with every sad moment there follows ten happy ones. I have wanted to give up so many times, but I convince myself that to give up, is the most weak and selfish thing I could ever possibly do. Thankfully I have had friends to convince me of that too, in very blunt ways I might add. And when threatened with a loss far greater than that of your own life, you really start to smarten up and think about shit more clearly. I almost lost several of my friends, because of the dumbass things I was doing. And almost lost the regard my dad had for me. When things like that happen, you start asking yourself, is this worth losing such amazing people for? And more often than not, the answer is going to be no. I've messed up over and over, and I can't go back and change things, nor would I want to if given the chance because it has made me stronger and smarter. I'm always going to make mistakes, but that's what life is about, making choices whether they're wrong or right, and making mistakes so you can learn from them. It helps you to grow, and really what would life be if you didn't make mistakes to help you grow? I have learned over the past year how to handle most things, and like to think I have become stronger, god knows I've been tested enough since a year ago. I've had a few slip ups, but the difference is, last year I was just miserable no matter what, I wanted to be dead, but was afraid of it. Now, though stressed a majority of the time, I am content, and I do not want to be dead. I like to believe that in the end things will turn out alright. I believe life is beautiful as a whole, just happens to have some horrible situations. People I love and who love me, make my life worth living and makes everything more tolerable.
From August 7th 2010.
Self imaging is one of the biggest problems in the world today. One's own self image can dictate their lives, and effect the way they see the world in general. It's born of insecurities one may have about themselves and can lead to being fake. Given that over the past years, certain things have been issues for the human race, whether it was birthmarks or birth defects, the way one talks or acts, skin color, or more commonly, weight, but can also include sexuality, education, etc. People find faults in themselves for these reasons, more often than they can spot the good things about themselves, and that's because of public opinion, and not how they themselves feel. It doesn't matter if you know you're smart, if the world, or people that surround you or your peers think differently, the pressure they cast upon you by voicing their opinions becomes far greater than the inner voice that is telling you otherwise. Hundreds of years ago, if you were the least bit skinny, you were unattractive, declared unhealthy. But today, it's quite the opposite, and with how the entertainment world (with all of its movies, television shows, music videos and magazines), is today, it's no wonder that young people, females especially, find themselves a problem if they do not meet the media standards of how they should look. This results in eating disorders, or various cases of depression brought on by the pressure and stress of trying to look and act like the "role models" they're stuck with. But the way I see it, unless weight issues are brought on by sloth or gluttony, most cases are that how one looks, is not always their own fault. Just like skin color and birth defects. Genes that are inherited and are of no fault of your own. If you're picked on, and judged for anything that is purely you, then those who judge have issues of their own. Naturally no one is completely innocent of judging others, and I am no exception to that, as many of you know. =D But unlike some of the other people out there, (not saying everyone judges every little thing, or does it frequently) I don't judge people for things that they cannot help. Example being, I'm not skinny. I'm not fat, but I do have my own problems with my weight, it fluctuates quite a bit and I can't help that. It actually started when I started getting depression, so look up symptoms of depression, you'll see, and I'm most positive that I'm not the only one out there with this problem. I got picked on in school, my last weeks there, for my weight issues, and before that, it was because I was always so quiet and shy. People will find any thing in the world to judge others about, just so they feel more secure. They find a weak spot where they know that they're stronger, and just use it against you. And what kills me is the fact that it's mostly girls that have to go through it. Isn't it bad enough to have the pre-teenage female hormones where you're totally emotional and sensitive to every little thing, (not to mention getting periods; sorry guys, had to mention it xD) without having to deal with the pressures of growing up, dealing with school, dealing with boys, and on top of all that, feeling the stress thicken from media standards? Feeling the need to be a certain weight or look a certain way whether you change how you look physically (not just your weight), or the way you dress, or act, the music you listen to; it's too much. But the reality is, that it's always going to be this way. And in learning that reality, you have to just do with it what you need to do with your self image. Not get used to it, but learn to accept it, and learn to accept the person you truly are deep down inside. Don't become some fake little bitch who is so insecure that she feels the need to flirt with every fucking body just to feel wanted, and change the way you act or speak, just to please a certain group of people you're probably better off without anyway. Don't become an illusion. Be yourself. And I'm done.
And the girl fooled the world with a smile,
As she was really dying all the while,
Falling apart slowly, screaming on the inside,
Begging to be free, but she kept the smile to feed the pride;
Staining the pillow she sleeps on at night,
with tears that fall from her burning eyes,
No one understands the guilt she feels for the things she has done,
Nor did they notice the pain in her eyes as it begun;
Rising darkness fills her eyes, as her blood turns cold,
Falling from grace with emotions uncontrolled,
So mad at the whole world,
cursing life as it all unfurled;
They thought they had her figured out,
But all she had was pain and self doubt,
Sick and tired of being there,
Where no one ever seemed to care;
And all of them turned slowly on her,
Left alone to forever wonder,
What was it that made her a prisoner of her mind,
And why did they all have to be so blind?
Such pleasant dreams filled her heart at one time,
Now optimism seemed the ultimate crime,
Staring into the past, where nothing pleasant resides,
And the pain of the present with that collides;
So she looked to the future with hope in her eyes,
As lightning crashes from the unforgiving skies,
And slowly she comes to realize,
And quickly begins to realize;
Wrapping her arms around herself to hold herself together,
But crying in spite of the recent endeavor,
To live is to suffer and die with even more pain,
But to die, is to never feel sadness again;
Her arms fall to her sides and she falls apart,
Ripping open the incision in her fragile heart,
She goes to sleep, her thoughts beguile,
Fooling the world one last time, with a meaningless smile.
Nothing I do is ever right,
I can't even sleep during the night,
Constantly making continuous mistakes,
Always faking the way my heart breaks;
Smiling to hide the pain inside,
Admiring the flowers that have already died,
Walking in the cold dark rain,
Laughing as the life in my slowly begins to drain;
I'll never what you may consider 'happy',
And I'll never be able to make you see,
That everything you say to me,
Haunts my dreams and won't let me be;
Life's done me no good in this way or that,
Treating me like the devil's door mat,
But if I could and you know I would,
Hoping forever that you understood;
Sleep forever a dreamless sleep,
In slumber so peaceful and ever so deep,
But constantly waking and constantly shaking,
Screaming in a cold sweat, Life forsaking;
Stuck in my ways, never right,
Causing arguments, starting fights,
Drinking, smoking, choking, cutting,
Lying, Crying, Failing Life;
Breaking down, losing faith,
Sighing quietly as I meet the knife...
Wimpering in the dark,
Shivering in my craze,
Because I'm nothing but perfect...
In all the wrong ways.
